Fucking Work

so, story is that I'm having some anger right now. Here's why: I was in my last little bit of my shift today at work, and was super excited to get off. My coworker, who is closing the store tonight decided to go for break exactly a half an hour before I left. Our breaks are half an hour long, and I figured that he'd be back on time seeing as he knew that I would be off as soon as he got back. 5:30 rolled around and no sign of him. I took a deep breath and delt with a few more customers. Ten minuites later, he rolled in the door. As he came into my department, I was taking my apron off to leave. I looked at him, and said something along the lines of "You're late. Please don't be late"
I was tired, my feet hurt, and the customers were pissing me off. He looked me straight in the face and went "I'm not late. I left at ten after. Sorry"
I could have delt with it if he had just said "shit, I lost track of the time, I'm sorry" but no, he had to lie to me. And not just that, but he lied to me in a way that made me feel like I was the bad guy here, which I tell you, makes me want to punch a wall, or something to that effect.

So here's my question: why is it that everytime I've been angery about something, some man comes along and finds a way to make me feel as though its my fault? When did this start being ok?

Random 5 Questions Blog

1)You have a liscence to kill. With your liscence to kill, who do you kill?

Ok, first off, I'm actually going to change the question to "With your liscence to kick someone in the balls, who do you kick?"
Now, the answer to this question, is my neighbour, The Jackass Next Door (I don't actually know his name, because this is all my family has ever called him, though I have a sneaking suspision that his real name is Micheal, which sucks, because I've always liked the name Micheal, and I hate when people I don't like have names I like)
Why, you ask, would I like to kick my neighbour in the balls? Well, he made my mom cry, so he can go fuck himself :D

2) Have you ever seen a dead body?

No, but I did scatter my grandmas ashes when she died. Does that count?

3)Grossest thing you've ever seen?

Crocs with socks

4)TV show you never miss

I fucking love Lost, but thats over, so I'll have to confess my secret obsession with Project Runway, Say Yes To The Dress, Cupcake Girls, and What Not To Wear. Dont hate me.

5) How big is your bed? Big enough?

My bed is a queen size, which is big enough for one, I guess, BUT, I want a big fucking bed. I want a bed the size of two king size beds pushed together. You know why that is? Because, for some reason, I can't sleep with someone else in the bed, so I figure if they have the equivalant of their own bed, I'll be good to go. Yay me!

thats all.. take the questions, pass them on,

Love,
Lia

Things I Fucking Love: Awesomeness Because of BP Oil Spill

SO, story is that just because every damn body else is complaining about the oil spill and the utter tragedy attatched to beaches and small animals being coated in oil doesnt mean that no good has come of it!
Here's a list of A Few Good Things That Have Come From The Oil Spill

1) The BP Drinking Game
For those of you who don't know yet, here's how to play:
step 1) Grab yo crew
step 2) Grab yo drink-o-choice
step 3) Turn on the ridiclous bullshit that is CNN
step 4) Bitch loudly about how stupid and biased Anderson Cooper is, when the news is supposed to be an unbiased source of information
step 5) Drink on the words "BP" "Oil" and 'Responsibility"
I promise you'll have a good night, and that you'll have to stop drinking within 20 min :D

2) This delightful rhyme:
"Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!
Who died in an oil spill becaues of BP?
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!"

3)I get the opportunity to bitch about what a biased craptastic "objective reporter" Anderson Cooper is. Also, he thinks that he's pretty, and thats just fuckin annoying. My dentist thinks he's pretty too, but thats a whole nother story...

4)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2AAa0gd7ClM&feature=player_embedded#!

5)This comic :D


(I stole it from the blog OBVIOUSWINNER, it's not mine, just so everyone knows)


So, thats my list, I hope you liked it, don't hate me for seeing the hilarious in an obvious tradgedy..

love,
Lia

An Aside About Me

So story is that I'm feeling a little melancholy today. Because of this, we're going to take a break from my usual brand of sarcastic, critical, possibly offensive, and slightly angry brand of humor ( and by brand of humor, I mean "oh god, I hope people think I'm funny").
I had people over last night, we laughed, we drank, we reminiced because we've all known eachother for a long time now. It was a good night... this morning, I woke up, hung over, and went to work for the day. No headache, but a world of stomache issues (not that you asked, but I like to share, because sharing is caring). Nonetheless, I had a pretty good day. Laughed alot with our temp, who is amazing, and who's last day it also is.. I flirted with the cute new guy as well. I had a wicked amazing sandwitch for lunch. It was freaking yummy.

And yet, when I came home all the good posativity just leaked away, and I was, am, left tired, and just feeling lonely. I've had good pasta and am watching Sex and the City reruns on Cosmo tv.. which I guess, has left me here: blogging about being melancholy. Despite the people I've known these past few years, I don't feel that there's anyone that I could call up right at this moment to talk about my day, or how it changed from pretty awesome to weird, which, in the end, I guess is my problem: there isnt anyone in my life that I feel close enough to, or trust enough, to let in like that. Because of that, I'm lonely, and its my own damn fault.

All in all, I guess what sums it up is that I really want that warm and glow-y feeling that comes from really feeling cared for. Thats all I guess.


feedback?

Love,

Lia

I Have A Fucking Issue With...

So, story is, that I have a fucking issue with people who french manicure their toenails. I think its revolting. I mean, really guys, really? Who the fuck wants to see some long ass toenails pokin out of your otherwise cute peeptoe heels, or worse yet, flip flops that leave nothing to the imagination. Just gotta tell you bitches, it is not, under any circumstances pretty, ok, or.. christ on bike. I just don't have the words, so, I'll give you a picture.


This blog has been brought to you by summer footwear

Pass On Some Love

So, story is that this is going to be another work related thing. Today a lady came into the bakery and poked about, ordered, and we got into a small conversation. The weather etc, etc, at the end of the conversation, I told her that her hair was fantastic. And Goddamnit it was! BIG BIG BIG curles all over her head, popping out from under her headband.(her hair was like the picture, but instead of a serenly smiling white girl who looks like she's rolling her eyes, imagine a sassy african american lady with dark pink lipstick and a headband. She looked amazing)
She also looked like I’d handed her the world on a silver plate her smile was that big.
Moral of the story is that though it may not feel like it, the words that we say to others make a difference, and could impact someone’s day either negatively or in a wonderful way.
This isn’t the first time I’ve had this thought, but it does occasionally reoccur, and each and every time I’m amazed anew at the difference everyday things make in my day. I smiled all day long, because of the way that this lady smiled at the compliment that I gave her.
Pretty awesome hey? Now, here's a challenge for you: see if YOU can pass on some love today, just giving the smallest compliment, can make a persons day. We've all had people do it for us, let's pass it on :D

Peace,
Lia

Its Just Too Fucking Hot Out

and I'm slightly sunstroked, and I don't have a bathing suit, and theres too many people around to skinny dip, and the only thing keeping me sane are my coke (the drink... duh), my sunglasses, and MY SUPERAWESOME NEW HAT THAT I JUST GOT RIGHT NOW. Look at it. Isnt it amazing? I'm going to wear it EVERYWHERE, because thats just what I'm going to do. Thats all.

My Milkshake Bringeth All Yon Gentlefolk to Mine Yard

so, story is that apparently everyone found this years ago when the song actually came out, but I just found out about it now. Suffice to say, I'm both peeved and extremely freaking excited. So excited, in fact, that I felt the extreme need to share this:
I think it's the shit. I think everyone needs to see it (again?). I think that Kelis would have been (is, has been?) impressed.
In fact, I think that Kelis should do remixes. I can see me rocking right the fuck out to the old english version at the club. It'd be hot. Oh yeah.

Girl, That is a SHIRT, Not a Dress

So, here's the story of the day, I'm really sick of seeing bitches on the street wearing this:
thinking that it's completely accceptable that their ass is hanging out JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE WEARING LEGGINGS.
fyi kids, leggings are not pants, and, while they are a comfortable alternative, your dress still needs to cover all the important bits, or you're walking around lookin like a hoochie, and thats just not ok. Also, most of the leggings I have seen/own are somewhat sheer. Not totally sheer, but opaque in a sheer sort of way... if you have leggings, you probably know what I mean (I hope). Being that these leggings are sheer, a girl has to realize that a certain amount of skin is going to be shown, leggings or no leggings. I cannot emphasize this enough.
THEN AGAIN, there are always those amoung us who are way too cool for leggings, and just throw on some boots and a slightly oversize sweater, and think that we're good to go. (see above picture)

Luckily for all the legging lovers out there (ME) there IS a classy and cute way to do this. You see exhibit A, with the white shirtdress and black leggings.
Then theres the hoochie way, with nil leggings, lookin like you just got all over it with your boyfriend, and walked out with his manly pink somewhat effeminite dess shirt on, because all of your clothes are currently sitting in his trash can, due to them having been ripped off. While thats definitly a part of this balanced breakfast now and again, and is hella fun to brag about to your girls over brunch (!), its also not acceptable daywear. Just sayin.

There is also the fact that if your dress/shirt is not long enough to cover your essentials, you run the risk of camel toe. You know that uncomfortable, akward, slightly disgusted feeling you get from seeing an old guy in tight bicycle shorts? Camel toe in leggings causes the same type of feeling. It's not good.

I am here to let you know that you are not good to go, and that you need to put on the aforementioned leggings, AND/OR a longer shirt/dress (pretty please with shiny things on top) OR, preferably, some jeans.

Remember kids, coverage is classy, and camel toe is not.

Love,

Lia

Don't Worry, Be Happy!

Dear People Who Walk Around Looking Worried All Day,
Lighten the fuck up guys! It's summer outside, stop and smell the goddamn roses! The days are long and beautiful. Now is the time to have friends over for a bar-be-que with copoius amounts of liquor-of-your-choice! Eat, Drink, and be Merry for godssake!I mean really guys, could'ntya crack a smile for me? I realize that it's monday and you're grumpy, but I just gave your your morning donut (watch me make yet ANOTHER reference to working in a bakery), smile!

AND, just because I'm a kind and generous good hearted person, here's a picture of a smily face and a thumbs up, just to make your day shine.

On top of which, if you ask me really nicely with shiny things on top, I will bedazzle you a t-shirt! We could match! In the morning, when you come in to get your donut, we can fist-bump like Obama and Michelle, and grin like we have a secret! Feel better yet? You should :)

Don't Worry, Be Happy,
Lia

Pass Me the Bedazzler!

So, story is that I've decided that everyone needs a Bedazzler, to make their lives just that much more fantastic. I want to Bedazzle myself a tie! and a work shirt! (because I keep it classy, as you can tell). I want to bedazzle the shit out of everything I own! I want to Snap, Push & Pop my way to sparkly greatness!

I think Bedazzling might be addictive.

Possibly because, the last time I used a bedazzler (it was two friends and I, who are, for the record, straight males) it was just not ok. My friends, lets call them Jerry, and Louis were bedazzling a shirt for a friend of theirs, as a crank birthday gift. Jerry thought it would be funny to start legitimatly bedazzling the shirt that he was wearing. Because it would be cool. 5 rhinestones in, I heard the words I never thought I'd hear from a straight guy : "DUDE, I was NOT done with that, pass the freaking bedazzler"
LET me tell you that I almost fainted right then and there.


Still, all in all. I want a bedazzler. Alot

You Want Me to Ask a Customer WHAT??!?!!!?

SO, story is that today at work, I was flipping through the Big Book of Cakes, and lo and behold, there was a new cake! Now, I feel that this cake had something special to it. It was a Barbie cake. BUT let me tell you right now that that's not what made it special for me. What made it special for you Lia you ask? Well, let me tell you all about it.
It was the fact that this barbie cake came in 3 (count em, 3) different colours. You can order a Caucasion Barbie cake, a Hispanic Barbie cake, or an African American Barbie cake.


Now, I'm all for diversity, and I think that its wonderful that people are open minded enough now that we can actually stock 3 different colours of barbie for your special occasion pleasure.
HOWEVER, that is also wherein lies my issue. Plain and simple, how the fuck does a bakery clerk go about asking a customer what colour of Barbie would they like on their cake? I mean, I can't very well say "All right, we'll start out with you're name and number... and would you like an African American, Hispanic, or Caucasion Barbie with your cake?" IT WOULD BE RUDE PEOPLE. Rude, I tell you!



What if an East Indian, or Asian person came into the store and wanted and East Indian or Asian Barbie on their cake? For that matter, what if someone came in and wanted a Ken on their cake? I mean, at this point I'd just have to say no because apparently we don't stock boy dolls. Its just not done.
What if a person came in and was racially misread by the clerk taking their order? What if the clerk was all "all right, we'll take your name and number, and I assume you'd like a Hispanic Barbie on your cake?.... oh. you're black. Well we'll just be giving you an African American Barbie then.. oh... your daughter is adopted and is actually white... so... Caucasion Barbie it is."

Does no one else see the unbelivable potential for akwardness here? I mean really. This is just all round a bad plan..


ps. we also got in baby shower cakes, with pink and blue booties for the decorations... what happens if you have a sexually ambigious child? What if you have a hermafrodidic baby? They don't make booties in neutral colours. again. AKWARD.

Best Trend Ever : Brunch (or Bruncheon)

So, here's the story, I love brunch. I know alot of you out there are sitting there thinking "what the hell is she on about? Brunch? Is that a foreign word?" BUT NO, brunch is the best of both worlds, it's a delicious medley of breakfast and lunch, which, in short, means that its perfect. How so, you ask?
WELL, let me tell you all about it
1) breakfast is served before 9:00am. To me, any time before 9:00am does not exist, and therefore makes breakfast impossible (which is funny because I usually work at 6 in the morning.. feel sorry for me)
2) lunch is served right smack dab in the middle of my day, when I'm usually about to, or in the middle of, do/ing better and more important things. It's an interruption, an annoyance, and, most of the time, doesnt have super awesome food. It's just sort of half assed.
Brunch, however, is served anytime from 9:30 to 11:30 in the morning, in those beautific two hours, anything is possible. You could start your day with a hamburger, or waffles, or french toast, or hell, even an omlet with peppers, ham, and enough cheese to keep even that one french guy I know happy ( ps. I do love the french. I will however, make fun of them occasionally. In a loving way). Goddamnit, you could probably even have a steak, even though I feel that that treads precariously close to dinner territory.
I mean, shit, you could even have a bruncheon buffet. (Bruncheon!)
OH, and did I mention, that with brunch, you can start your day the classy way with a morning mimosa? You can disguise your champagne with OJ. Normally you wouldnt be able to do that, because booze for breakfast is NOT OK. But this is Brunch, brunch is magical this way, and because you're brunching (its a verb!)you can drink whilst you brunch (he, she, it, brunches). And that, I tell you, is what we call an Opportunity.

The moral of the story is that if I had my way of things, I would cut out breakfast and lunch, and I would just eat Brunch and Dinner every single day.

ps. Brunch, or the act of telling someone that you're "going to brunch" just gives you the opportunity to seem utterly new-money classy, and man alive isnt that fun? PLUS, you can dress for brunch. I don't know about you, but lordy lordy do I love the option of dressing things up or down, and for brunch, you can do either.

See what I mean? Its perfect!

The Barefoot Bandit

Dear Police,
Stolen, hotwired, and crashed airplanes (not one, not two, but THREE so far without so much a single flight lesson. ever.), stolen cars, and a whole wack of random other crap taken from upwards of 100 houses. Oh, and a boat that one time. Did I mention the three planes that he just flew away from their hangars?
NOW, with all of that going on right under your blue little noses, I wonder how you havent caught this kid yet? I mean really guys, you couldnt put in a little effort? The taxpayers are relying on you to cover us...
Oh, but wait, I betchya I know whats going on here! Colt (Can I call you Colt?),is so so cool that even the po po are fans. Thats definitly whats going on right here. Yehaw, I'm glad you cops finally did something normal.
Joking aside guys, let him have his fun. He's a legend, theres goning to be a book, and a movie, and face it, even if you did catch him, he'd get away scott free because he'd just fly away from your maximum security prision anyways (and by fly away I mean that someone in the upper admin would be a fan, and would let him out. You know its true).
Keep goin through the motions though, because I know you have to. You Do have families to feed afterall.

Sincerly Yours,

Lia


Now General Public, usually a string of burgalries would lead me to tsk-ing like someones mother, because thats just what I do, but shit, this kid really knows how to work it out. He's bated the police (and man, who HASNT wanted to do that at one point or another?) with these chalk drawings of cartoon feet in the houses he's hit. He took pictures of himself on the go and let the public have them. He's turning himself into a full on legend - He's Robin Hood, he's Jesse James, he's... my age.
Which leads me to the next point. He's a 19 year old outlaw/danger man, he's like freaking 6 foot 5, which means that hes TALLER THAN ME, and hes a full fledged cutie. Hmmm... BOOYA
What the fuck is up Colton Harris - Moore? Wanna come hang out at my place? I'll buy you some really excellent noodles or a chicken burger, really, whatever you like, and we'll make fun of all the hippies. We'll have a really good talk because you're pretty awesome and I'd like to know what makes you tick. I even have a phone you could use to call your mom, because my trashy magazine at work says that you used to do that. Whatdya think bud?

SO, end of the story for now is that I'd like to join the fanclub. Is there a fanclub? If so, where do I join up? Does he do secret meet-and-greets at his fans houses? Could someone get ahold of the book thats being written and get it autographed for me? Pretty please?



SO kids, how do YOU all feel about Colton the Barefoot Bandit?

Shoe Fetish Life Style

Just sayin that I'm pretty sure I would be rocking the hell out of every single pair of heels in this montage. Except the plaid ones. I don't know about you, but I absoutly hate plaid on heels, I think it looks terrible, but I'm totally open to being proven wrong,even though I strongly doubt plaid could ever rock a heel.
But the colours on these babies! The pink, the blue, the candy apple red slingbacks, and good lord that wonderful yellow - man, I tell you, if I did'nt have size 11 feet, I would have closets full of shoes. As is, it is WAY too hard to find fantastic heels for feet anywhere north of a size 9. ESPECIALLY when a woman has feet that are wide as well as long. Do not even get me started on trying to find boots that actually fit my foot.
I honestly think that shoe manufactuers think that all large footed ladies like are gold lame flats, and, while a gold lame flat has its time and place, they simply do not take the place of wicked heels on a night out. I mean really. They just don't.
I've heard alot of girls say that they cannot walk in heels to save their lives, but you know what? I call bullshit. They can walk in heels. Anyone can walk in heels, and guess what? I'm gonna tell you how. Heres the big secret. You have to, absoutly have to, walk you're the Queen of the Motherfuckin Universe, you're the shit, the coolest thing ever, sexiest woman alive, your a freakin rock star. It's all in the attitude you have. Thats all. Strut your thang, and you'll walk your heels just fine, try it and see!

Does anyone know of any good lines for plus size feet?

peace, love

New Ink

Just a tattoo that I am thinking that I am going to be getting soon, along with a tiny black heart over a birthmark beside my left breast, I'm pretty excited. I'm also considering a couple of other peircings (I already have 10, which sounds like alot, but considering that 7 of them are on my ears, it really isnt)...



What are your opinions on tattoos/peircings?

Lumberjack'n it

Well, well, well, today, a bright new day, full of possibility, full of potential for new adventures, joys and friendships.

I call bullshit.

I started my day at 3 am, when I woke in an unexplained blind panic, only to realize, that because of the howling winds outside, my power had gone out. My alarm clock, serving to wake me up an hour and a half from then, for the opening shift at work, plugs into the wall, leaving me alarm-clock-less. Scrambling around my room, for my christmas-stocking'd battery powered alarm clock in the dark, resulted in my stepping on two thumbtacks. Joy and happiness, right?
So, I find my other alarm clock, crawl back into bed, and pass out for that last blissful hour before I have to offically wake up for the day.
4:45 in the morning, and I'm woken for the second time by the ever increasing insistant beeping of my new red alarm clock. Time to get up for work.
I haul ass, pulling on my black pants, white button down, stuffing my tie in my bag, in a simple recognition that I am not yet awake enough to tie it properly. I creep upstairs, attempting stealth, so as to not wake my family too early. I eat something, and realize that I'm going to have to go coffee-less at least until I get to work, because the power STILL hasnt come back on.
Now, 5:30, and I'm leaving. I stumble blindly out to the car, without the usual friendly aide of our exterior lampost. In the car, I jet out, driving carefully, but with enough speed to get to work early enough for me to drink some coffee, and to fix my bloody tie. Five minutes into my drive, I realize that that was a ridiclous expectation.
Why, you ask, was it such a ridiclous hope? Well, let me tell you, that the road, because of the power-outing wind, was littered with branches, transforming into a winding carpet of green, camoflauging fallen trees.
About those trees. Hydro and Highways had come along earlier and chopped them up into 3 foot (or 1 metre.... I'm Canadian, but I prefer feet to metres, call me crazy) sections. They did not, however, think to remove those three foot sections from the road. This lack of foresight resulted in my stopping, getting out of my nice warm car, into the driving wind and rain, and lumberjacking those sections of log off of the road every few minutes.

Epic story to tell to tell over a shot or three with the pals? Yes.
Real-life, Early-morning bummer? Oh yes, most definitly.
Freaking Priceless? I'd like to think so...



Now, I'm back from work, having survived my 6:00-2:30 shift, a consultation for my very first tattoo, and my very first visit to Opt (my local sexual health clinic... getting the pill :), and am sitting in my room, with, HURRAY, finally, the power back on, 18 hours later, writing my first frusteration-born blog... all in all, a frusteratingly good day.

Peace and Love,

Lia