My Milkshake Bringeth All Yon Gentlefolk to Mine Yard

so, story is that apparently everyone found this years ago when the song actually came out, but I just found out about it now. Suffice to say, I'm both peeved and extremely freaking excited. So excited, in fact, that I felt the extreme need to share this:
I think it's the shit. I think everyone needs to see it (again?). I think that Kelis would have been (is, has been?) impressed.
In fact, I think that Kelis should do remixes. I can see me rocking right the fuck out to the old english version at the club. It'd be hot. Oh yeah.

Girl, That is a SHIRT, Not a Dress

So, here's the story of the day, I'm really sick of seeing bitches on the street wearing this:
thinking that it's completely accceptable that their ass is hanging out JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE WEARING LEGGINGS.
fyi kids, leggings are not pants, and, while they are a comfortable alternative, your dress still needs to cover all the important bits, or you're walking around lookin like a hoochie, and thats just not ok. Also, most of the leggings I have seen/own are somewhat sheer. Not totally sheer, but opaque in a sheer sort of way... if you have leggings, you probably know what I mean (I hope). Being that these leggings are sheer, a girl has to realize that a certain amount of skin is going to be shown, leggings or no leggings. I cannot emphasize this enough.
THEN AGAIN, there are always those amoung us who are way too cool for leggings, and just throw on some boots and a slightly oversize sweater, and think that we're good to go. (see above picture)

Luckily for all the legging lovers out there (ME) there IS a classy and cute way to do this. You see exhibit A, with the white shirtdress and black leggings.
Then theres the hoochie way, with nil leggings, lookin like you just got all over it with your boyfriend, and walked out with his manly pink somewhat effeminite dess shirt on, because all of your clothes are currently sitting in his trash can, due to them having been ripped off. While thats definitly a part of this balanced breakfast now and again, and is hella fun to brag about to your girls over brunch (!), its also not acceptable daywear. Just sayin.

There is also the fact that if your dress/shirt is not long enough to cover your essentials, you run the risk of camel toe. You know that uncomfortable, akward, slightly disgusted feeling you get from seeing an old guy in tight bicycle shorts? Camel toe in leggings causes the same type of feeling. It's not good.

I am here to let you know that you are not good to go, and that you need to put on the aforementioned leggings, AND/OR a longer shirt/dress (pretty please with shiny things on top) OR, preferably, some jeans.

Remember kids, coverage is classy, and camel toe is not.

Love,

Lia

Don't Worry, Be Happy!

Dear People Who Walk Around Looking Worried All Day,
Lighten the fuck up guys! It's summer outside, stop and smell the goddamn roses! The days are long and beautiful. Now is the time to have friends over for a bar-be-que with copoius amounts of liquor-of-your-choice! Eat, Drink, and be Merry for godssake!I mean really guys, could'ntya crack a smile for me? I realize that it's monday and you're grumpy, but I just gave your your morning donut (watch me make yet ANOTHER reference to working in a bakery), smile!

AND, just because I'm a kind and generous good hearted person, here's a picture of a smily face and a thumbs up, just to make your day shine.

On top of which, if you ask me really nicely with shiny things on top, I will bedazzle you a t-shirt! We could match! In the morning, when you come in to get your donut, we can fist-bump like Obama and Michelle, and grin like we have a secret! Feel better yet? You should :)

Don't Worry, Be Happy,
Lia

Pass Me the Bedazzler!

So, story is that I've decided that everyone needs a Bedazzler, to make their lives just that much more fantastic. I want to Bedazzle myself a tie! and a work shirt! (because I keep it classy, as you can tell). I want to bedazzle the shit out of everything I own! I want to Snap, Push & Pop my way to sparkly greatness!

I think Bedazzling might be addictive.

Possibly because, the last time I used a bedazzler (it was two friends and I, who are, for the record, straight males) it was just not ok. My friends, lets call them Jerry, and Louis were bedazzling a shirt for a friend of theirs, as a crank birthday gift. Jerry thought it would be funny to start legitimatly bedazzling the shirt that he was wearing. Because it would be cool. 5 rhinestones in, I heard the words I never thought I'd hear from a straight guy : "DUDE, I was NOT done with that, pass the freaking bedazzler"
LET me tell you that I almost fainted right then and there.


Still, all in all. I want a bedazzler. Alot

You Want Me to Ask a Customer WHAT??!?!!!?

SO, story is that today at work, I was flipping through the Big Book of Cakes, and lo and behold, there was a new cake! Now, I feel that this cake had something special to it. It was a Barbie cake. BUT let me tell you right now that that's not what made it special for me. What made it special for you Lia you ask? Well, let me tell you all about it.
It was the fact that this barbie cake came in 3 (count em, 3) different colours. You can order a Caucasion Barbie cake, a Hispanic Barbie cake, or an African American Barbie cake.


Now, I'm all for diversity, and I think that its wonderful that people are open minded enough now that we can actually stock 3 different colours of barbie for your special occasion pleasure.
HOWEVER, that is also wherein lies my issue. Plain and simple, how the fuck does a bakery clerk go about asking a customer what colour of Barbie would they like on their cake? I mean, I can't very well say "All right, we'll start out with you're name and number... and would you like an African American, Hispanic, or Caucasion Barbie with your cake?" IT WOULD BE RUDE PEOPLE. Rude, I tell you!



What if an East Indian, or Asian person came into the store and wanted and East Indian or Asian Barbie on their cake? For that matter, what if someone came in and wanted a Ken on their cake? I mean, at this point I'd just have to say no because apparently we don't stock boy dolls. Its just not done.
What if a person came in and was racially misread by the clerk taking their order? What if the clerk was all "all right, we'll take your name and number, and I assume you'd like a Hispanic Barbie on your cake?.... oh. you're black. Well we'll just be giving you an African American Barbie then.. oh... your daughter is adopted and is actually white... so... Caucasion Barbie it is."

Does no one else see the unbelivable potential for akwardness here? I mean really. This is just all round a bad plan..


ps. we also got in baby shower cakes, with pink and blue booties for the decorations... what happens if you have a sexually ambigious child? What if you have a hermafrodidic baby? They don't make booties in neutral colours. again. AKWARD.

Best Trend Ever : Brunch (or Bruncheon)

So, here's the story, I love brunch. I know alot of you out there are sitting there thinking "what the hell is she on about? Brunch? Is that a foreign word?" BUT NO, brunch is the best of both worlds, it's a delicious medley of breakfast and lunch, which, in short, means that its perfect. How so, you ask?
WELL, let me tell you all about it
1) breakfast is served before 9:00am. To me, any time before 9:00am does not exist, and therefore makes breakfast impossible (which is funny because I usually work at 6 in the morning.. feel sorry for me)
2) lunch is served right smack dab in the middle of my day, when I'm usually about to, or in the middle of, do/ing better and more important things. It's an interruption, an annoyance, and, most of the time, doesnt have super awesome food. It's just sort of half assed.
Brunch, however, is served anytime from 9:30 to 11:30 in the morning, in those beautific two hours, anything is possible. You could start your day with a hamburger, or waffles, or french toast, or hell, even an omlet with peppers, ham, and enough cheese to keep even that one french guy I know happy ( ps. I do love the french. I will however, make fun of them occasionally. In a loving way). Goddamnit, you could probably even have a steak, even though I feel that that treads precariously close to dinner territory.
I mean, shit, you could even have a bruncheon buffet. (Bruncheon!)
OH, and did I mention, that with brunch, you can start your day the classy way with a morning mimosa? You can disguise your champagne with OJ. Normally you wouldnt be able to do that, because booze for breakfast is NOT OK. But this is Brunch, brunch is magical this way, and because you're brunching (its a verb!)you can drink whilst you brunch (he, she, it, brunches). And that, I tell you, is what we call an Opportunity.

The moral of the story is that if I had my way of things, I would cut out breakfast and lunch, and I would just eat Brunch and Dinner every single day.

ps. Brunch, or the act of telling someone that you're "going to brunch" just gives you the opportunity to seem utterly new-money classy, and man alive isnt that fun? PLUS, you can dress for brunch. I don't know about you, but lordy lordy do I love the option of dressing things up or down, and for brunch, you can do either.

See what I mean? Its perfect!

The Barefoot Bandit

Dear Police,
Stolen, hotwired, and crashed airplanes (not one, not two, but THREE so far without so much a single flight lesson. ever.), stolen cars, and a whole wack of random other crap taken from upwards of 100 houses. Oh, and a boat that one time. Did I mention the three planes that he just flew away from their hangars?
NOW, with all of that going on right under your blue little noses, I wonder how you havent caught this kid yet? I mean really guys, you couldnt put in a little effort? The taxpayers are relying on you to cover us...
Oh, but wait, I betchya I know whats going on here! Colt (Can I call you Colt?),is so so cool that even the po po are fans. Thats definitly whats going on right here. Yehaw, I'm glad you cops finally did something normal.
Joking aside guys, let him have his fun. He's a legend, theres goning to be a book, and a movie, and face it, even if you did catch him, he'd get away scott free because he'd just fly away from your maximum security prision anyways (and by fly away I mean that someone in the upper admin would be a fan, and would let him out. You know its true).
Keep goin through the motions though, because I know you have to. You Do have families to feed afterall.

Sincerly Yours,

Lia


Now General Public, usually a string of burgalries would lead me to tsk-ing like someones mother, because thats just what I do, but shit, this kid really knows how to work it out. He's bated the police (and man, who HASNT wanted to do that at one point or another?) with these chalk drawings of cartoon feet in the houses he's hit. He took pictures of himself on the go and let the public have them. He's turning himself into a full on legend - He's Robin Hood, he's Jesse James, he's... my age.
Which leads me to the next point. He's a 19 year old outlaw/danger man, he's like freaking 6 foot 5, which means that hes TALLER THAN ME, and hes a full fledged cutie. Hmmm... BOOYA
What the fuck is up Colton Harris - Moore? Wanna come hang out at my place? I'll buy you some really excellent noodles or a chicken burger, really, whatever you like, and we'll make fun of all the hippies. We'll have a really good talk because you're pretty awesome and I'd like to know what makes you tick. I even have a phone you could use to call your mom, because my trashy magazine at work says that you used to do that. Whatdya think bud?

SO, end of the story for now is that I'd like to join the fanclub. Is there a fanclub? If so, where do I join up? Does he do secret meet-and-greets at his fans houses? Could someone get ahold of the book thats being written and get it autographed for me? Pretty please?



SO kids, how do YOU all feel about Colton the Barefoot Bandit?